Air Bud and the Government Shutdown

            Air Bud has been enjoying his new home in Washington, D.C. He has been taking in all of the sights and learned a lot about American history. He has even begun sporting an American flag bandana. He is grateful for all the opportunities he has been given, and feels blessed to live in such an excellent country. He wants to give back, but he doesn’t know how.

            Then, on October 1^st, 2013, something terrible happened. Congress could not come to a spending agreement, effectively shutting down the government. To many people, this was not a big deal as the shutdown did not have an immediate effect on them. Most people saw this as an opportunity to make jokes on social media, but not Air Bud. You see, this shutdown meant that all national parks would close. Buddy loved going to the parks and enjoying the majesty of the great American skies, because he is a dog. He knew he had to do something to fix this.

            He collected pages and pages of signatures. Then, when he remembered that collecting signatures has literally never solved anything, he took to the streets to inform people of the problem. He was very vocal about the issues, and people respected his bipartisan barking. He even started his own political party, the “Dogocrats”. The Dogocrats were committed to getting the parks reopened as soon as possible. All the most important dogs gathered in Air Bud’s basement one day to discuss their strategy. Clifford, Marmaduke, Snoopy, Goofy, and even the politically apathetic Scooby Doo were there. More importantly, Barack Obama’s own dogs Bo and Sunny were there. When Bo and Sunny showed the President how important these parks were, he decided to bring all the dogs to the Capitol to present their case to Congress.

           Clifford, Marmaduke, Snoopy, Goofy, the politically apathetic Scooby Doo, Bo, Sunny, and Air Bud all took turns barking their case to Congress, and after each one spoke they were given a treat. Congress realized how this issue was bigger than any disagreement and passed the funding necessary to re-open the parks. They still haven’t figured out what to do with Obamacare, though.

           The End

Air Bud: The College Years

            Air Bud is enjoying his new home in the dorms at Ohio University. His two roommates are these sick bros who are on the lacrosse team and they have awesome haircuts. They teach Buddy how to play lacrosse. They also teach him the importance of lifting, protein, and loudly bragging about all the pussy you may-or-may-not be getting on the regular. Overall, they are sick. Air Bud tries out for the lax team and totally makes it, dude. It was sick.

            Air Bud is the new stud on campus. He always walks around campus wearing a backwards snapback and a crew neck sweatshirt that totally says “Bro U”. When he goes to the gym he wears those cutoff shirts where the sleeves are cut all the way to the bottom so you can totally see his ribcage, which is awesome and sick. He let his fur grow out and is now rocking some sick ‘flow’. He can always be found playing Frisbee outside instead of going to class. But the Dean gets all pissed off and says that if Buddy doesn’t start taking his school work seriously, he will be academically ineligible for lacrosse. Not cool, bro.

            Buddy and some of the guys from the lax team develop a plan to hack into the schools computers to change his attendance records and give him A’s for the semester. It’s a pretty sick plan. They dress up in all black and do some secret agent-type stuff to sneak into the offices after the school closes. Also, they are all apparently really good with computer hacking. Whatever, bro, don’t question it. It was sick.

            Now that Buddy doesn’t have to worry about school, he can focus on the lax season. He is the star of the team and they never lose a game for the entire season. They make their way to the NCAA finals, which is sick. The only problem is that the Beer Olympics are the night before, and Air Bud has to compete in the case race. At the Beer Olympics there are also some chicks Jell-O wrestling, but they aren’t even that hot. Buddy slugs a case worth of fresh Natty and doesn’t even puke. It was legendary.

            The next day at the lax finals, the whole team is hung over. Everyone is puking their guts out. Everyone except Buddy, because he’s a hero. He single handedly leads the team to the victory, and they carry him off the field Rudy style. Air Bud later gets expelled because they found some weed in his dorm room, but it wasn’t even that much honestly. They just made a big deal about it. Not chill.

            The End.

Air Bud NASCAR

Buddy has been enjoying his new home in Daytona Beach, Florida, and has even taken a liking to the local NASCAR scene. He shows up at all the races, able to sneak through the gates while security is checking some woman’s purse or whatever the fuck security does at a NASCAR event. Why does Air Bud love NASCAR? Do you have a dog? Have you ever seen how fucking bat-shit crazy dogs get when cars drive by? Yeah, imagine a dog at a NASCAR race… not so stupid now, is it?

            Air Bud notices one of the drivers working on his car before a big race. I say ‘his’ car because we all know that Danica Patrick is less of a driver, more of a promotional tool. Anyways, the driver (Jeff Gordon) is working underneath his car. He calls for a wrench and Air Bud brings it to him. He calls for a screwdriver and Buddy brings it. He calls for some third tool, and Buddy gets it. Jeff Gordon, satisfied with his work, comes out from beneath the car and sees only a golden retriever standing there. He is surprised by Buddy’s ability to recognize tools and invites him to be a part of his pit crew. Jeff wins the race, and Buddy becomes a permanent part of the team. Air Bud gets one of those sick NASCAR jumpsuits, the ones with all the sponsors on them.

            As the season rolls on, Jeff, with the help of his canine mechanic, slowly climbs up the leaderboard. They are actually in position to win whatever it is you win if you’re the best at NASCAR. Then, in the second last race of the season, Jeff is involved in a horrible wreck. Not only do they lose the race, but Jeff is in no condition to drive for the final race. With the loss, the team now needs a first place finish to win the season. The whole team is defeated, except Buddy. Buddy doesn’t know what it means to give up, mostly because he’s a dog. After some solid motivational barking, he convinces the team to let him race in place of the injured Jeff.

            Now its race day and Buddy is behind the wheel. We see him not only in his kick-ass jumpsuit, but now he also has a sick NASCAR helmet, too. Gentlemen, Danica Patrick, and a fucking DOG, start your engines! It is important to know that absolutely nothing has been modified that would allow a dog to drive this car. He just can, because he’s Air Bud.

            Now, there has got to be some sort of rivalry in an Air Bud movie. So whoever is in first place in the standings is really trying to make sure that Buddy doesn't win, He’s racing dirty, but Air Bud knows that cheaters never win. He toughs it out and wins the race, and Team Jeff Gordon wins the NASCAR thing. The rival driver is pissed off and throws his helmet on the ground. Then Buddy walks over to his car, lifts a leg, and pees on the front tire. Everyone laughs. Except Danica Patrick, who is still trying really hard to ‘prove herself’.

            The End.

             

What Was Going Through Prince’s Mind at 11:59 pm on December 31, 1998

          Well, this is it, the moment I've been dreading for sixteen years now. I knew this day was coming. Only one minute until the ball drops and I’m doomed to an entire year of people telling me that they’re “Partying like its 1999!” What was I thinking? I never should have written that stupid song. Ugh, I bet its playing at every fucking New Year’s party right now. That’s why I stayed home. No parties for Prince this year. I feel bad for everyone who is suffering through drunken karaoke renditions of that fucking song all across the country. Hell, all across the entire fucking world!

            Forty seconds until the ball drops. Someone just drove past my house playing that fucking song. How did they know I live here? I bet it was just a coincidence. I bet every car on the streets is playing that song. It’s like the entire world was lost to some strange musical apocalypse and the only song that survived is that fucking song. Did he have the CD in his car? Did he specifically buy the CD for this night just so he could play that song at the perfect moment? Was it on the radio? Fuck! I forgot about the radio! I bet every radio station is going to be playing that song on repeat for an entire fucking year. Guess I can’t listen to the radio. But I love the radio! But I also loved little red corvettes and now I can’t stand them. I’m still a sucker for raspberry berets though.

            Fifteen seconds until the ball drops. I’m probably about to see so many royalties from this song. I bet my albums fly off the shelves tomorrow. I’m going to be so rich, even more than I am now. I bet the checks come to me in those big burlap sacks like in movies when someone gets a lot of mail. That’ll be cool. But wait, can you make a check out to whatever symbol I go by? Fuck, I have to remember to change my name back to Prince.

            Ten… nine… eight…

            I swear I will never play that fucking song again.

            Seven… six… five…

            I swear I will never play that fucking song again. Ever.

            Four… three…

            I can’t wait for the year 2000. Then I’ll be all like “Party over! Oops, out of time!”

            Two…

            I need to change my name again so I can get rich.

            One…

            Happy Fucking New Year to me.

           

Air Bud 2 Tha Streetz

the following is a direct sequel to the 1997 classic and original "Air Bud"

          

          Air Bud is having a difficult time fitting in with the residents of his new home in Compton, CA. Not only is Buddy an outcast due to his sobriety and lack of a criminal record, but he is also white. But the Buddy we know isn't one to give up on making friends in new surroundings, so he keeps trying. Besides, Buddy does have one thing in common with the Compton population; he has never met his biological father.

            One day, while walking around the city, Buddy stumbles across a pickup basketball game. Only this is not an ordinary game of basketball with ordinary basketball rules. This is streetball, a combination half-basketball-half-breakdancing. Buddy watches for a bit, but when the ball rolls in his direction he decides he wants to play. He starts dribbling the ball, which catches the attention of the other players. Then, when one of the players comes and tries to take the ball, Buddy crosses him over and takes it to the hole for the score. Now the kids want to play. Game on.

            During the game, Buddy is having a rough time transitioning to this new style of play. He has always been a fundamentals player, never a showman. But since Buddy is a quick learner he picks it up in no time. He pump fakes a defender, dribbles in between his legs, and passes the ball off the glass to a kid only referred to as DA S1CKNESS, who slams it through the chain net for the win. After the game, DA S1CKNESS invites Buddy to be a part of his team for the upcoming 2-on-2 tournament, where the first place team collects $5000. Buddy barks in agreement, and the two become friends.

            Air Bud mania sweeps over the Compton crowds and Buddy is a local celebrity. Not only is his face being airbrushed onto t-shirts, but he has also inspired the name of the new popular strain of chronic, “Ayr Bud”. The team quickly advances through the tournament and into the finals.

            In the finals, DA S1CKNESS informs Buddy that their opponents are members of a gang that have had it out for him ever since he refused to join. These thugs take cheap shots on DA S1CKNESS and Buddy all game and manage to have a 7-2 lead before a timeout is called. During the timeout, a member of the crowd (Ice Cube) comes and gives an inspirational speech and lifts the spirits of our heroes. They take the court with a new energy and begin to play like the champions we knew they could be. For the last point, DA S1CKNESS lobs a pass to Buddy, who dunks it gamebreaker 2 style for the win.

            Defeated and embarrassed, one of the gang members pulls out a gun and shoots Air Bud. Flash forward to Buddy waking up from his hospital bed, surrounded by doctors and his new friends DA S1CKNESS and Ice Cube. He has made a full recovery while the gang member was arrested. In fact, the shooting of Air Bud cause so much media attention that it brought an end to gang related violence altogether. So, yeah…there’s that.

            The End.

Air Bud On Ice

      In this sequel, we find out that America’s favorite golden retriever has taken a liking to his new frozen home in upstate New York. So much of a liking, in fact, that he is able to navigate the ice with ease. Buddy even has a reputation in the neighborhood for showing up to the weekly pee-wee ice hockey games and the town considers him as a sort of hockey mascot. But fuck that shit, Buddy is here to play. One day, after one of the local kids gets injured, the game is almost canceled because the team is now a player short. But Air Bud, like the fucking hero he was born to be, says fuck that noise, grabs a stick, and takes the place of that pussy injured kid. The spectators and players laugh because the idea of a dog playing hockey is adorable, but when Buddy gets the puck he skates circles around these kids. He’s got all kinds of moves, including whatever the hockey equivalent of a basketball crossover is.  Buddy takes the puck the distance and scores for the win. He is awarded the game puck and, I imagine, some pussy.

            After the game, Buddy goes over to the injured kid and gives him the game puck. He then follows the kid home and the kid talks his mother into adopting him. Later, the coach of the team (Wayne Gretzky cameo?) comes over to the house to see how the kid is doing. The kid says that he is likely done for the season, but suggests that Buddy takes his place. The coach (Wayne Gretzky) agrees, because how can you say no to a fucking golden retriever?

            The kid and Buddy become best friends and, with the help of Buddy, the team improves to second place in the league. While most of the town is thrilled to have a hockey-playing dog around, not everyone is as jazzed. The dad of the captain of the first place team sees Buddy as a threat, so he kidnaps him before the championship game. With Buddy gone, the injured kid is forced to return to the team. In addition to the kid not having fully recovered from his injury and worrying about his missing dog, the kid was also a complete shit-stain when it came to having hockey skills. At the end of the second period, their team was down 4-0.

            But wait, what’s this? Is that a recently escaped Air Bud? And he’s wearing… little ice skates? How fucking adorable. That’s right; he’s back with a desire to win and with his help the team scores four unanswered goals. With time winding down, and Air Bud triple teamed, he passes the puck to the kid who is standing by the goal when he scores what is possibly the first goal of his pathetic life. Queue “We Are the Champions”, because they are the fucking champions.

            The boy asks where Buddy was and Buddy responds by biting the back of the man’s shorts, exposing his silly underwear. Oh, and Coach Wayne Gretzky is totally making out with the kid’s mom. Congrats, kid. Wayne Gretzky is your new dad.

            The End.